I’m going to say something and I don’t want anyone to jump to any conclusions before I finish. And before I say it, I just want state that every single person is strong & I really truly do love God. I 100% believe those statements and know they are true. Ok? Phew. Now that I got that out of the way, here we go. I have found myself lately getting upset with God over other peoples mountains. I’m not in their shoes, nor have I ever been, so maybe the mountain they have been assigned makes complete sense to them. But, from the outside looking in, it does not. I just don’t understand the pain they were given nor the reasons why they were. I can’t imagine any way that this particular mountain will make any single person, couple or family stronger. All I can think about how it must be killing them a little on the inside because just the thought hurts my heart in a big way. And maybe that’s the way people viewed my situation when I was going through my journey and look at me now. Strong, happy & healthy. Just missing a leg. The missing piece to the puzzle came a few years later and now it’s seen clearly from all angles. But again. As of right now, I don’t see it when looking at other peoples mountains.

I kind of feel ashamed and embarrassed by these feelings I’ve been having about God lately. I know He loves us & He loves me, and He has proved it time & time again. And my faith through all of these emotions has not crumbled, I promise, but I often find myself thinking “just because I love you doesn’t mean I have to like you right now”. I live in a very small community, and there’s so many heart breaks a person can take before you start getting ticked off. And I know they aren’t happening to me directly, so I should be thankful, but I am a person of compassion and often find myself feeling the pain of complete strangers (or what I can imagine their pain feels like). I am baffled by the story of another young kid in our area being diagnosed with cancer. I’m taken back by the natural disasters & string of storms that have destroyed the homes of 40+ families and has potentially hurt so many farming families for the next year. I literally have no words for the amount of crap that has been dished to my friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers & complete strangers, that I’m not sure how anyone can be anything less than angry & confused. If there is a lesson to be learned here, I haven’t found it yet. And I really hate thinking this, because God has had my back for my entire life. I really hope that some light gets shed on these situations soon so that I may understand even though I know there are somethings that we may never know. And I understand that, but sometimes, you just want to.

I think God gave us the views of other peoples mountains while we are traveling our own path for a reason. Some of them are absolutely beautiful & breathtaking & makes us completely jealous & makes us want to aspire for the same thing. While others make us so thankful that that isn’t our mountain to climb even though we wish we could help them climb it. And I also think God truly wants to be my friend. And I mean a real friendship where you know each other well, not just acquaintances where you pretend to be friends in church on Sunday and then don’t talk the rest of the week. And any solid friendship has moments where you fight & don’t see eye to eye. And that’s ok. Yell at each other. Think about all the names you’d like to call them & then come back and apologize for your anger. You know they meant well even if you can’t see the reasons for their actions. Being mad is a valid emotion & God gets it. But the real question is, how long are you going to stay mad? I think I will be for a little while yet. Until I have prayed on it enough and when the painful thoughts of others mountains don’t hurt as much. But I know I’ll get there. And I just need to keep the faith that the happy, easy, good streak is coming our way. There will be a rainbow after the string of heavy storms. I mean black is a color too. Right? So for now, I’m going to be angry. I’m going to be mad. I’m going to question His doings. But then I’ll come back when I’m done being mad. I plan on it. And I hope you do too if you are also feeling this way. Because He has so, so many good things waiting for you & me.

#TheOneLeggedMommy #SoManyEmotions #SoMuchHeartBreak #Amputee #Amputation #TheAngryMommy #NecrotizingFasciitis #GodHasMyBack #Plans