The phrase “pain is weakness leaving the body” is a load of crap. Sure, it is a magnificent and motivational statement when comes to getting your butt off the couch onto the pavement for a walk or run. For getting you to the gym and deciding it is leg day, it is a worthy quote. But when it comes to actual pain, pain we can not shake despite how hard we work, that statement means absolutely nothing.

Pain is pain is pain is pain. It can not be put into words as no one will ever feel the exact same pain as no two’s minds are ever wired the same. After my cousin had delivered her beautiful baby boy, she was hit hard and fast by an Amniotic Fluid Embolism. AFE for short. 1 in every 40,000 deliveries have an AFE. And here my family was again, being that 1. My mom had went up there that night when she caught word that there were difficulties with Rachel’s delivery and after she notified us she promised to keep me and my siblings posted. And there are many details I can recall from that night, but one story my mom told me afterwards will always stick with me. While they were impatiently waiting outside the surgery ward, my Aunt asked my mom if this was what it was like when they were waiting for me to get out of surgery. A surgery I had a 5% chance of surviving. My mom quickly responded with a no. No, it was not as painful because the light above my door never turned blue and a blue light meant you were coding, that your heart stopped beating. Seven. That’s how many times my cousins heart stopped beating physically but it was also seven times that every single persons heart out in that waiting area also stopped. Seven times that that little blue light created pain. A pain that will never leave a persons body. A pain that made so many people weak in the knees but forced them to be strong despite the fact that their hearts will never be whole again. I lost a cousin that night. But her husband lost his wife. Their baby boy lost his mom. My Aunt and Uncle lost their daughter. My cousin lost his sister. My mom lost her Godchild. This loss, this pain that we felt will not be leaving our bodies. I literally have a lump in my throat as I write this. But I also do not want this pain to leave despite it being a pain I never wanted to experience. Because I truly believe this pain has saved my life before. I’m sure I would have fought during my hemorrhaging, but Rachel gave me that extra push (like she always did. She was good at that) and I will forever be thankful for that because she helped me stay here on Earth with my family. Pain will always be something that we wish we would never encounter but will keep forever because it is a pain that came from loving someone so much.

Pain is watching your grandma forget who you are because she is declining from cancer so quickly that her mind is fading as well. Pain is saying goodbye when there are more words to be said. Pain is choosing life over limb for your wife despite the fact you don’t know if she will make it out of the surgery. Pain is enduring another miscarriage. But knowing and feeling these kinds of pains, that hardly says we had weakness. These are the kinds of pains that only the strongest survive. Mental pain trumps physical pain any day of the week. After we endure more than we could have ever imagined, our hearts feel sore but this soreness never goes away. With certain moves or moments we can still feel it though it may be days, weeks, or years later. These types of pains no amount of creams, or medication, or treatments can even dull. Therapy may help but it can only teach us how to live to avoid that sore spot in our heart, it doesn’t resolve it.

However, there is a silver lining to this type of pain. It is the reason that it hurts so much. It’s a reason we don’t want it to leave our body. It’s because we love and care for these people so deeply. That is why the hard stuff is hard. Because we love these people so greatly. And that means that we had time, though never enough, to get to know them. To make memories with them. To grow with them. So though we never wanted the pain, we are so lucky to love and care for someone so much that can cause the pain. To love so much that when they hurt, you hurt. When they make adjustments, you try to make adjustments too to try and make their lives a bit easier. If that makes any sense? So take the pain, and the soreness, and combine it with the memories and the happiness and the love and the laughter and I would say the worth that these people bring greatly outweigh the cost it has on us when they leave us or force us into difficult situations. Take the moments of pain for these wonderful people as the lifetime of love and laughter and memories they can provide, even if just for a short time sometimes, will be so worth it.

#TheOneLeggedMommy #Pain #MentalPain #PhysicalPain #AFE #AmnioticFluidEmbolism #CousinsMakeTheBestFriends #AmpStrong #Amputee #NecrotizingFasciitis #Strong #SilverLining