Happiness. It’s a hard feeling to actually, truly be because we often train our brain to feel happy whether we actually are or not. It’s hard, because we know that life isn’t perfect. We know that life is hard. So when we look at how we are feeling today vs. what were feeling last week, last month, or last year, sure we are happy. We now use happy in terms of comparison instead of in terms of an actual feeling. True happiness is hard to achieve, so instead of using “Happy” to describe my feelings, I usually use the term “OK”.

It used to drive my therapists crazy when I told them I was “pretty OK”. But I didn’t mean it as a bad thing. After losing a leg and quite a bit of independence, I felt like “Pretty OK” was a good feeling to have. I’m on quite a few amputee Facebook groups and there are quite a few people who are also amputees that are doing far below “Pretty OK”. Heck, a lot of able bodied people aren’t doing ok. I mean I wasn’t about to lie and say I was doing good because I wasn’t. My life had changed big time and I really wasn’t too thrilled about it, though I was ok with it. But I’m pretty satisfied with the way things have turned out. I can’t say I’m “Happy” because if you compare my life now to how it was 4 years ago, it’s a heck of a lot harder. And like I said originally, “Happy” can be used as a comparison term.

Now this is not to be confused with the statement, “Aren’t you happy that you are still here?”. No I am not “happy” that I’m still here. I’m thankful I am still here. I am grateful to have had such a talented team of doctors, nurses, aides, and therapists from start to finish. And I am blessed to be able to be living as “normal” of life as I currently am. It’s just a new normal. Like I said in the beginning, true happiness is a difficult feeling to achieve, and thanks to the the English language, we have a whole slew of words to describe how we are feeling that are often more accurate than saying “I’m happy”. My life is just not as simple as the word “Happy” is. Yes I realize that “OK” is also a simple word too, but it is a simple word that says I’m satisfied with my life. Add the word “Pretty” in front of it and it says I’m very satisfied with my life. However, I’m not happy with my life. I am and always will be working to improve it. To improve the way I function as an amputee and to improve my children’s life. But when I say I’m living a “pretty ok” life means that I’ve some low lows and high highs, and after it’s all averaged out, I’m sitting above satisfied. And I don’t think we can ask for much more than that.

This is also not to be confused with saying I’ve never had any happy days post amputation. That I’ve only had “Pretty OK” days post amp. That is 100% not true. Some of my happiest days have been after I lost my leg. The birth of 2 of my 3 children came post amputation. Five of my eight nieces and nephews were born post amputation. I was able to watch my sister marry the man of her dreams post amputation. All of these moments were truly happy moments. Moments that made entire days, or even weeks happy. And these are just SOME of my happy days. So all these happy moments/days in combinatation with the moments I was at my worst, makes for a pretty ok life. And I’m ok with a pretty ok life.

I know we should strive to say we lived a happy life, but I think living an ok life says a lot. It says I’ve felt pain. I’ve felt suffering. I’ve known loss. But I also know what it’s like to gain things back like independence and confidence. I’ve known and felt compassion all while becoming more compassionate myself at the same time. I’ve felt heartache and I’ve felt so much love and support that my my heart could burst. I feel like having so many highs that help even out the few low, lows I’ve had that it comes just above ok doesn’t mean that I’m not living and striving for the best life for myself. I think it says I have lived. I’ve felt more in the last 26 years than some people feel in 100 years and a lot of it came in the last 3 1/2 years. So I’m ok with “pretty ok”. Don’t feel bad for me for living a “pretty ok” life. Because even if I could do it all over again, I’d still shoot for “pretty ok” because it gives you more stories, more friendships, more feelings, more scars, and more faith than you could ever imagine. Ok?

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